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A thousand lost forevers & the promises you never were giving me...

Here's what I'm thinking...

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  • cherubic_x@livejournal.com
Just so there's no confusion;

1. I have a very, very strong desire to have a BMI that is lower than normal/healthy.
2. If I don't start the day out on a deficit (i.e.- I eat before I work out) I feel disgusting, fat, piggish and ugly the whole day. (But I'm conflicted with wanting to fuel my body for the workout.)
3. I absolutely hate the way my body looks head to toe, top to bottom.
4. If I don't work out at least an hour every day I feel guilty. I feel like I've failed.
5. If that scale doesn't show a smaller number every time I step on it (every morning) I am a wreck the rest of the day. & regardless of what the increase is- I feel like I've gained an obvious and disgusting amount of weight.
6. Fried foods, foods soaked in butter, mayonnaise, full fat foods, and overly sweet foods can induce a panic attack- and hives. I don't even have to touch them and I overreact.
7. If I don't end my workout dripping sweat, shaking, and with my body tingling I feel like a failure.
8. I've never looked in the mirror and liked what I've seen.
9. I'm not sure when all of this began, but I know when it finally made its self known.
10. I restrict, but I won't tell you how much. I fast occasionally, again I won't tell you why or for how long.
11. I am terrified of gaining weight. I am also terrified of what might happen if I lose too much. That number on the scale has to go down, though.
12. I am extremely obsessive when it comes to calorie counting, calories burnt, measuring/weighing foods, and volume consumed. Extremely.
13. I am a walking contradiction. I want to be healthy, and I want to be extremely thin.

Don't ask me what my stats are. Don't ask me what I eat. Don't ask me what I do to work out. Don't friend me if all you want is to develop the frame of mind I am.
I don't encourage eating disorders. I don't encourage negative body image. I don't promote starving.

This journal is private. I talk about lots of different things in it, not just about my eating disorder (which, at current, is ED-nos.)
If I don't 'add you back' don't take it personally. I'm a recluse.